"Parents' demands can trigger elemental fears-the looming specter of their mortality, the scary knowledge that a parent's decline brings us closer to our own old age. But only by facing fears can we defuse them and put ourselves back in control."
When parents need our help, often their demands can seem burdensome and overwhelming. After all, don't our spouses and children need us too? It's not easy to say no to our parents, especially since they raised us and always had time for our little mishaps and maybe even bailed us out when times were hard. Don't be afraid to say no, but do it gently.
Many people mistake quantity for quality when it comes to spending time with their parents. I think it is better to spend less time with them and make sure those hours are truly satisfying. Plan activities that will bring you closer together, not just chores and errands. You can hire caregivers for those chores and leave the quality time for more meaningful interactions.
Don't use this time to settle old scores with your parents. "No matter how cruel or neglectful your parents were when you were a child, this is not the time for payback. Showing them compassion and respect, whether or not you feel they deserve it, is a mark of adulthood and depth of character."
Too often people believe that the parent-child role gets reversed as our parents age. "Care giving should not be confused with parenting. Preserving your parents' independence and dignity is perhaps the most important job you will have at this stage in their lives." Giving them something they can do for others is a great way to make them feel productive. It can be as simple as having them help your children with their homework.
"Family dynamics tend to build to a fever pitch when the care of an aging parent is involved." It's true that some siblings are more suited to the task than others. Don't be resentful or shirk your share of the work just because they can't or won't pitch in. And remember, there is plenty you can do from afar... researching a medical issue on the internet or monitoring their accounts online are simple ways to help your parents. Subsidizing their home care and sending care packages are another way to help.
However, don't mistake sending money with caring. "People who confuse the two often come from families in which money was a defining issue." Often mom or dad would rather just spend quality time with their families and let someone else assist them with day-to-day money management.
And so here is the plug: A daily money manager can assist your parents with those day-to-day money issues. Timely bill payment, balancing check books, organizing documents and even application for government benefits can be handled by a daily money manager. This allows you to spend quality time with your parents.
What should you ask before hiring a Daily Money Manager?
- What are the costs and how do they bill (hourly or flat fee)?
- Do they have professional liability insurance?
- Can you check their references?
- Do they have a confidentiality agreement as part of their retainer?
The quoted portions were reprinted from an article entitled "Setting Limits: Just How Much Should We Do for Our Parents?" published in AARP magazine in June 2005 by Dale Atkins.
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